View from the steps of the Lincoln Memorial on a rainy day in Spring.

1. Try not to be black.

Though you are a citizen who is rightfully and equally due all off the protections of the U.S. Constitution, you should know that your dark pigment and kinky hair automatically poses a threat to all others. Your blackness suggests a predisposition for criminality, ignorance, laziness and an overall poor character. While these stereotypes have no basis in truth whatsoever, they are just kind of the American way and are touted as such in nearly every depiction of blackness in TV shows, movies, books, news programs and so on. Hence your blackness to others, especially racists, is a huge bummer and should be avoided at all costs.

However, if you insist on being black, you need to be as non-threatening as possible. Do yourself a favor and be perpetually happy no matter what. Do not ever express anger, frustration, sadness or any other complex emotion to which other human beings are prone. Do not ever speak with any sense of authority or self-pride. Do not try to use logic or reason in your interactions with racists; just simply comply with whatever they want and be ridiculously polite about it. Also, do possess some sort of singing or dancing talent.

2. Be religious, but not really. (Use Southern White Christianity ie. Conservative Council of Citizens as a guide.)

While you should have a pre-approved American faith (Christianity and only Christianity), do not be so quick to fully adopt its tenets and teachings. While loving your neighbor as yourself, being kind and patient, withholding judgment, and practicing love and mutual respect for your fellow man regardless of race, gender, yadda  are all nice suggestions as to how you should live, these habits are meant to be practiced only on occasion and with extreme prejudice. Like on Thanksgiving and Christmas. In fact, only on Thanksgiving and Christmas. During the rest of the year, you should disapprove of the poor and their lazy, government-reliant ways. You should also castigate gays, lesbians, bisexuals, transgender folks, folks who have had abortions for any reason, folks of any other religion besides Christianity, immigrants (especially Mexicans and Middle Easterners), liberals and anyone else who doesn’t look, act or speak like you.

Therefore, if some narrow white guy with a backpack and a bad haircut comes strolling into your church during Wednesday night Bible study, do not welcome him with open arms especially if you have failed to stop being black. Your faith requires you to stick to your own kind and not behave like some glorified Coke commercial à la 1971; otherwise there would be no such things as African Methodist Episcopal churches.

3. Arm yourself.

Get a gun. In fact, get several guns as it is your second Amendment right and therefore your American duty. Once you have legally obtained your weapon along with any necessary permits and training required of you per your state of residence, you better have that thing on you at all times. Be armed at work, school, on the way to Baskin Robbins, on the way from basketball practice, at Wal Mart, at the Olive Garden, at the community pool and at church. Especially at church. Yes, church is supposed to be a sacred sanctuary of peace and love but c’mon. You still need to have a gun there or else you’re just asking to be shot during Wednesday night Bible study. So when that aforementioned narrow white guy pulls out his .45, you better pull your BFR from your waist band or your purse and showdown like you mean it. If you don’t, you will be shot and killed and some idiot (politician or otherwise) will go on Fox News and blame you for your own murder.

Of course, be warned that if you are armed and still resistant to not being black, you will more than likely be shot. Typically, by a police officer. Hell, even if you’re not armed and you insist on being black you will probably be shot. By a police officer. Look, as long as you want to be all adamant about being black, just know that you’re probably going to get harassed and/or shot. By a narrow racist with a bad haircut and/or a police officer. So stop being black already.

Copyright © 2012 – 2015 Nikki Igbo. All rights reserved. Do not use or reproduce without permission.